How hard can it be to get over something/someone that you never see and haven't had in a long time? It can't be that hard, right? Wrong. Big time.
I had a decision that should have been mine to make taken right out from under me and I didn't realize until tonight that it really is still bugging me. More then I like to let on. I figured out very fast that if I smiled and told people I was ok, they would believe it and eventually I would too, but after almost a month, I got a blast from the past and it made me realize that I haven't dealt with anything.
It's definitely been easier since nothing really changed in my day to day life, but I didn't deal with any of my emotions. I cried for a week and boxed everything up and said that's it, no more feeling sorry for yourself, but I didn't really deal with anything. I don't really know how. It's really hard to deal with something that is "out of sight, out of mind" so to speak. I've done the typical stay busy and keep my mind off of it, however, not dealing with these feelings isn't exactly making them go away either.
My friends have been the best over the past month and I've been working almost 40 hours each week, but the loneliest time is at night. This is when I realize I'm not as ok as I pretend to be. Or maybe it's in the car when those certain damn songs come on and all I want to do is call him, but the hardest is when I see his name pop up on my phone.
We've only talked a few times, but each time it brings back those feelings. He tells me that he knows I'll be ok and this is what's best for me. Which brings me back to my earlier point...isn't it my decision what's best for me? Who is he to make that choice for me? I was willing to drop most things for him and he says that that was the problem. (Now, when I say I'm willing to drop things, I really mean what I'm comfortable with and what I'm used to. I've always lived at home and never moved, and I'm willing to leave my comfort zone for him.) He says he will "never be able to fully commit to me the way [I] need [him] to and that's not fair." The way he sees it, the Marines are his entire life now and he's not allowed to do anything else that might make him happy. And that's frustrating as hell.
I guess I really don't know how to handle my feelings because he left it so open ended. He wants me to find someone better because he doesn't think he can commit, but who knows because one day he might be able to. Ok, that's not fair. How is one supposed to move on when every time you talk to them, it's nothing but sadness?
That's it for now. I'm really annoyed with my brain. Good night all.
Until next time,
xoxo
-MD
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